For real though...

I hate driving.  I am an angry driver, a speeder, and I take corners way too fast.  I try not to follow too closely but, sometimes it just happens.  Why does that happen you ask? Well, one reason might be because the asshole in front of me is driving slow as molasses in the LEFT LANE.  Most of the time, there are signs (I’ve seen them on the interstate, don’t pretend they aren’t there) that say ‘SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT’.  If you are unsure on what that means, I will tell you.  It means get the fuck out of the left lane if you are going to go any slower than the speed limit that is posted.  Seriously, what is your fucking deal?  Are you unaware that there is a line of 17 cars behind you trying to get around you?! Open your eyes and pay attention to the road!

What is with people pulling out in front of me as I am about to pass them?  And then once you pull out in front of me, you drive slow as hell?  If you’re gonna creep along, wait a second and pull out AFTER I have passed you.  You might save yourself from being rear ended.  Yeah, it’s Florida so it would be my fault if I rear ended YOU (even though YOU are the one that had the audacity to pull out in front of ME and only go 35mph when the posted speed limit is 45mph) but, your car would still be fucked.  From behind.  Ha.  

Stop freaking out when it rains.  If it’s that bad and you can’t see, pull over.  Yesterday, I was driving home from spending my hard earned money when it started pouring.  I couldn’t see shit, so what did I do?  I turned on my hazards and slowed down.  Yeah, I was driving slower than I prefer but, at least I wasn’t looking like an jerk while I hydroplaned all over the damn place.  

Another thing you should stop doing is cutting me off.  Don’t give me a dirty look or the finger after cutting me off either.  You’re the impatient one.  What are you cutting me off for anyway?  Are you trying to beat me to that red light you just got caught at?  Nice one, dickface.  

Please keep in mind, I am not advising anyone to drive recklessly.  Don’t drive around like you have no regard for human life, just....stay out of the left lane if you’re one of ‘those’ drivers, stop cutting me off, and keep your cool when it rains.  That’s all I ask of you.  Remember, my car will fuck yours up should I happen to rear end it.  Florida says it’s my fault but, your asshole-ish ways makes it look like your fault.

~Kelly