I just got back from California. I visited a friend who is leaving for Italy soon, saw some family I haven’t seen in way too long, also saw a couple old high school friends, met some new people. Good times. Now, I’m back in Florida...shitty, shitty Florida. Yeah, Florida has been home to me for 27 years now, doesn’t mean I have to like it. What don’t I like about it? I’m glad you asked...
Let’s start with the weather. I went up to work today just to say hi since I know they missed me while I was gone (don’t any of you deny it either!) and during that 2 minute (if that) walk from my car to the door, I was sweating like a disgusting pig. I sat on the beach for a good couple of hours in San Diego and guess what!? Not one drop of sweat. Take that, Florida. I mean, the water was colder than a whore’s heart but, that’s beside the point. It also didn’t rain the whole time I was there, which was amazing. Now, I’m back in Florida...which means, it’s back to afternoon showers. Or morning showers. Or evening showers. Or, better yet, all damn day showers. Basically, Florida’s weather will fuck up your day in some way. I would suggest bringing a change of clothes and deodorant wherever you go. The heat itself isn’t so bad, it’s the humidity/heat combo that will leave you smelling like a decaying body on a summer afternoon. Also, bring some makeup because the humidity will melt that shit right off your sun damaged face.
Old people come to Florida to retire a.k.a. turn into zombies, die, be jerks...whatever you wanna call it. They are all over the place, which makes for some awful driving. I did notice some asshole-ish driving in California but, that wasn’t because the person driving was about to turn into a zombie due to being so old. I’m pretty sure it’s because they are just assholes and, well, there’s assholes everywhere soo...who cares, right? Yeah yeah, I know there's also old people in other states as well but, they run this shit.
Scenery. Florida doesn’t have it. Yeah, there’s beaches. What else is there? Nothing...so, I don’t think I need to say anything else about our lack of scenery.
Food. The food up north is BOMB. The owner of a pizza place in Boston told me that the difference between the food up north and in Florida is the water. Way to go, Florida. You can’t even have decent water. We are surrounded by water and you can’t even do that right.
Sure, Florida is the Sunshine State. However, before you decide to move here, just remember....we are also home to the shark bite capital of the world. Just go back to my shark week post if you need a reminder about those bad ass bitches. Another fun thing I have heard (may or may not be true but, it wouldn't surprise me), we are also home to one of the lightning strike capitals of the world.
Humidity, zombie old people, sharks, and lightning. You’re probably asking yourself why I still live here. Well folks, I didn't CHOOSE to be born here. When you can tell me why people CHOOSE to come here, I will tell you why I still reside in this black hole we call Florida.